So Let It Out And Let It In

I don't know anything anymore. The melodrama continues. But honestly I've recently been forced to come to terms with my complete lack of knowledge when it comes to life, people, and myself. I guess it would be hard to understand a world that doesn't get itself, but for an introspective thinker such as myself deficiency in the realm of understanding is a shortcoming indeed. Or at least that was how I felt when I first realized my navigation system was broken. But I've been working on a new perspective. The temptation to run is still strong in this one, my dark side stoking my pain and anger into a burning need that's hard to ignore. But at the same time, I'm learning something new about myself on a daily basis. Self-worth is no longer a lofty, ambiguous concept to me, and with that revelation I realize I can't really complain. Not to mention the humor in all of this. Turns out I don't like pain- big fucking realization there jackass. Really? But honestly, looking out the rear window of my lifelong road trip I can see the person I used to be, hurtling forward at undoubtedly illegal speeds, convincing myself that because I'm strong, I could fearlessly dive into situations knowing that I could handle the consequences. My strength was never in question though, at least not in the sense of my pain threshold, which, thanks to my uniquely ridiculous personality and experiences in my life, is considerably high. But there's another kind of strength that I never acknowledged, and thus never allowed myself to have. And that's the strength to do what I want. And I mean really do what I want, instead of resting comfortably in the padded armchair of my capability. And so the passionate procrastinator in me is dying, and I'm finding that beyond the edges of my expanding universe there lies an "otherness", destroying my concept of Everything while offering me the hope of unexplored territory. And so the infinity of my potential that has always stretched out ahead of me like a highway that I just couldn't get on is revealed to be far more limiting than I had imagined, and that my true potential lies in the unpaved chaos of true Everything. I may have been on cruise control my whole life, but that doesn't mean that there's only one road to follow. At the wheel now, with the wind rushing through my 90's throwback pile of hair, I can finally see beyond the concrete boundaries on either side to the scenery flashing by, at the night sky and the few stars who've managed to keep their light from the hands of this thieving city, and the mountains in the distance and the waves beckoning my wandering soul, and I can't help but laugh at how blind I've been. For well I know that it's a fool, who plays it cool, by making his world, a little colder.